Shadow Magic: Xellos and Filia
by Sapphirefly
Summary: [Complete] Filia enters a black magewhite mage tournament in the Kingdom of Sayruun and ends up facing a mazoku across the battle field. Post Try. FX.
1. Chapter One Tonight and the Rest

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Chapter One - Tonight and the Rest of my Life**

**A Song by Nina Gordon**

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Centered Italics – Lyrics

Black – Any Narrative

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Filia stood behind the gate. Looking at the other competitors, she realized how foreign she really was in this place. She had never been to Sayruun before. For the capital of white magic, their white mages sure wore their weapons in obvious places. She wore no weapon at all. She didn't see the point. It was against the rules of the contest to use weapons of any kind. Using enchanted armor was strictly against the rules, but she noticed some of them wore it anyway. She supposed it was not illegal to wear them. That way, if anything really did hit them, yes they would be disqualified, but they would also be alive. _Their confidence must be lacking_, she thought. If they had to work with a net, than it didn't seem likely that they were very good.

She wished she could see the black mages they were competing against. She hoped Lina Inverse would be one of them. The prize offered in the competition was something quite valuable. However, Filia had been in the city for three days, and had not run into anyone, except Amelia. Maybe she arrived just in time, but maybe she was hung up somewhere.

Filia had come herself, but it was more because she needed a break than anything. Somehow raising Val had not been what she thought it would be like at all. He seemed more like the spirit of a dragon. He was not very old. Only about six, but he spent a great deal of time on his own. He liked to hunt. She didn't remember being anything like him, or seeing another child who was like him. He seemed to have been born with his own ideas, and mostly took care of himself. He had his own power. She had been with humans too long, she thought. She was starting to think that he ought to have needed her to care for him until he was a man, but he didn't. He jumped into the night with reflexes unknown to any Golden Dragon. This was not the first time she had left him for a few days. It didn't matter if she left. His magic surpassed hers. If something really bad happened, he would be more likely to take care of himself than she would be to protect him.

Perhaps that was why she was here.

No one needed her.

_Down to the earth_

_I fell_

_With dripping wings  
Heavy things won't fly_

She felt the fabric of her pants. She could wear pants now. There was no possibility that her tail would fly out without a command from her. She hated that she used to be so uncontrolled that it would involuntarily appear. She wouldn't wear a cape either. She wanted her back open, to remind herself if no one else, that she was more powerful than she had ever been. It was sad, but Val had been able to teach her greater control, how to wield greater energy, and that was why she was here. She was going to stomp this competition.

_And the sky might catch on fire_

_And burn the axis of the world_

_That's why I prefer a sunless sky_

_To the glittering and stinging in my eyes_

It was night, and a breathtaking night. They were outside the Holy Pentagram, so that the white mages wouldn't have the advantage of location. There were stands set up for spectators to watch from and giant torches set up to light the battle field.

It was almost her turn. She had already fought twice and defended so well that her opponents had been thrown down two tiers. She pulled her light hair into a pony tail, and took a deep breath of the wild fresh air.

"Filia Ut Copt," the announcer called.

She opened the gate in front of her and stepped onto the battle field.

_I feel so light_

_This is all I want to feel tonight_

_I feel so light_

_Tonight and the rest of my life_

The ground was mostly burnt under her feet. Too many fireballs had been cast here. There wasn't much grass left.

_Gleaming in the dark sea_

_I'm as light as air  
Floating there breathlessly_

It didn't matter that all her hopes for motherhood had been dashed against the pavement. She was going to show the energy of her spirit and win right now against whatever odds she was given.

_When the dream dissolves_

_I open up my eyes_

_I realize that everything is shoreless sea_

The figure she was to fight was at the other end of the field. She could not tell if it was a man or a woman, but dressed strangely for a black mage, dressed all in white. They were wearing both a blindfold and a hood - completely unidentifiable.

It didn't really matter.

_A weightlessness is passing over me_

_Everything is waves and stars  
The universe is resting in my arms_

She began chanting her first protection spell.


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

Filia was in the marketplace in Sayruun. Amelia had insisted that she get a good look at the market. Filia was not particularly interested. Normally she would have been excited about seeing the different products an exotic place like Sayruun produced, but not today. She really just wanted to sleep. She was exhausted. The battle from the night before had left her in serious need of refreshment.

What happened?

The battle had raged for over an hour. She was obviously very well matched with her opponent. She knew it was a man after she heard him chant his spells. His voice – it was in her head now. It was so familiar. It was so close to something she knew very well, like a place she had once lived but never visited. Who was he?

He cast a Dragon Slave at her. No one had cast a Dragon Slave in the tournament. It came rushing at her. Three, two, one – she automatically cast a holy spell to protect herself.

He smiled.

He actually smiled.

She had been about to try a silencing spell when he cast the Dragon Slave. There was no way she was going to cast that now. It was time to bring out bigger spells if he was going to cast the most destructive spell in black magic at her, and actually have the nerve to smile at her when she was obviously at a loss.

Suddenly, it was no longer a tournament in the Kingdom of Sayruun. Suddenly, she was fighting for everything.

"Beast that sings in the night, come to me and display thy melody for me," she screamed at the height of her voice. The seraph appeared with its sprawling wings and bright eyes. The young angel was carrying a harp and the blissful melody sparkled out from her.

The spectators had never seen anything like that before, and they awed in amazement.

Filia smirked.

This was no ordinary sleep spell. This kind of holy summoning could drive someone insane.

Her opponent shook and seemed to fall to his knees in agony, but he was not responding to the summoning as a human would. Was he a mazoku?

Suddenly, he threw his head back, his throat visible; he punctured the angel's song with a scream unlike anything. The angel was instantly dismissed by the sound.

Filia saw her ally tremble and disappear, right before a demonic spell was thrown at her. She managed to miss it, but the fight was over in any case.

They were both disqualified.

He had used demonic magic and she had used holy magic. Apparently both were against the rules, although she did not know that.

As Filia went to bow to her opponent, she found that he would not bow to her and had simply walked or rather limped off the field. It seemed that he was hurt. She didn't want to believe that he was simply being rude.

She asked the first available person who seemed to be working at the tournament who it was she had been fighting.

"He didn't register," the man answered, "he just appeared there when your name was called."

She nodded and thanked him before stepping away. She took a seat in the stands. She had a seat reserved for her by Amelia, so she went to sit there.

After a couple more competitors dueled, Amelia said to Filia, "You know you've ruined this for the rest of them?"

"Are you angry with me?"

"No," Amelia said. "I just mean that the rest of the champions know now, both the white mages and the black, that you and your partner were the best that came out tonight, even though you were disqualified. It won't be a victory to who ever wins. It will seem very hollow. Not to mention," she said with a small sigh, "no one else has lasted longer than five minutes. It will be something we will always remember here in Sayruun. I imagine you'll be something of a celebrity."

"I see," Filia said, putting her head back.

"Have these last years been so hard on you Filia?"

Filia ignored Amelia's question and watched the battle instead. She knew what Amelia was talking about. Had she really become so hardened that it was recognizable even to someone who hadn't seen her for years? Maybe it was because Amelia hadn't seen her for so long that she saw the change in her. She didn't want to talk about it with Amelia. How could she tell her about her dreams for a little tea shop, or for a small place of her own that housed dainty little things – her dainty little dreams? Explain that Val was not someone who craved love? Explain her little boy's habits? Explain that he was as wild as an ancient beast and as sharp witted as a switch blade? That he was smarter than she was?

And that she was lonely?

That she wanted to start her life over again, but could not. She had things she had to pay for. There was no one who she could give some of her burden to. She had to make sure that Val grew up, that he had the opportunity for a happy life, even if he didn't take it, even if he didn't want it. And explaining to anyone that she was bound to someone who didn't need her was too painful, so she drove all these things back into herself. If she pushed hard enough, she would bleed until she couldn't feel anything. Then she could stand up and live her life.

She thought about the man she faced on the field. It kept her from thinking of other things. He had to be a mazoku. There was no doubt about it.

Filia stayed to the end, and saw who won, but she didn't care. It didn't mean anything to her anymore.

In the market, she was walking. Amelia had sent her down here, but had not been able to come with her. There was so much work to do cleaning up after the tournament. Filia walked, but she wasn't watching where she was going. The market place was crowded. People pushed against her, but she didn't look up.

"Excuse me," someone said to her.

She looked up, and jumped.

"Xellos!"

"Oh my," he said, looking down.

She stared. Filia had not seen Xellos since she got Val's egg, but there he was smiling, looking like himself and yet nothing like himself. His hair was tied back in a pony tail, and his clothes were different, but his expression and manner were exactly the same.

"Xellos," she said again. "I can't believe you're here. Was it you last night? Did you come to fight me?"

"Gomen onee-chan, but I think you have me confused with someone else. We bumped into each other and my basket of fish was upset," he said.

She looked down. He was right. He had been carrying a large basket of fish in his arms and half of its contents was now all over the ground.

"Gomen," she said, and began helping him clean up the mess. "But there is no point playing games with me. Did you really come to fight me last night?"

He smiled, "I'm sorry, but my name is Lex. I don't think we've met before."

She rolled her eyes. "Lex is Xel backwards. Couldn't you think of a more creative alias Xel?" she said speaking to him with an air of familiarity.

He looked confused and then thoughtful. "I am really not the gentleman you seem to think I am. What's your relationship with him anyway?"

"Are you trying to pump me for information, really thinking that I don't know that you're just playing a game? Putting your hair in a pony tail doesn't make you a different person."

"I'll have to insist again that I am not your friend Xellos, but it looks as though he has very pretty friends," Lex said, picking up the last fish and lifting himself up to his full height. "What's your name?"

Thinking that she might as well humor him as not, she answered, "I'm Filia Ut Copt."

"Pleased to meet you," he said with a little mock bow.

"Well, if you're not Xellos than who are you?"

"I told you. My name is Lex."

"Who are you then Lex."

He winked at her, showing one violet eye. "It's a secret."


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

The vessel was called the Blue Rose. It was not a passenger boat. It was a battle ship, but it was the oldest boat in the fleet, and had been sold by the Kingdom of Sayruun to a merchant for a good price. The merchant now used it to take merchandise to the new world and the new world sent its love, along with its wares, back to the merchant. So, now the once proud battle ship was used as little more than a cargo vessel.

Filia had to leave Sayruun. She felt herself on the edge of snapping and desperately didn't want Amelia or her fans in Sayruun to see her break down.

Finally, she confided in Amelia that she really missed home and had to leave right away. Amelia did her best to find Filia passage back to her country, but nothing was going at this time of year, except for this merchant ship that did not take passengers, and they were only going to pay a debt that came due at the end of the month. The merchant had to pay with cargo, so he had to make another trip even though it was the season for storms.

Amelia said that she didn't especially want Filia to take that ship as there would most likely be no other female on board, but Filia begged Amelia to ask the merchant if he would take her anyway. In the end Amelia caved, and arranged for Filia to ride the Blue Rose to the new world.

At the dock she said to Filia, "I really didn't want you to ride this ship, but I changed my mind," she said with a lighthearted smile. "About fifty or sixty years ago when it was in service, it was the golden ship of the navy. It wasn't the flag ship or anything, but everyone wanted to serve on the Blue Rose. The sailors said that when they were on the Blue Rose, that they forgot that they missed home. That they didn't worry about the battle that was coming. They said they didn't even think about it. Even now, it's like this ship is almost a dream. I know you will sleep well on this ship, and be able to find your future."

Filia looked at her. Amelia had really grown in dignity. I_'m not the only one who has suffered_, Filia thought, understanding for the first time that she was not alone in her disappointments. Amelia was getting old as an unmarried princess in the human world, and the man she loved was not with her.

Filia hugged Amelia and boarded the ship, telling her that she would come back to see her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amelia watched Filia board the ship. She was right; there would be no other female aboard. It didn't really matter though. Filia would not be attacked. Amelia didn't think there was one sailor on board that ship that had not seen Filia in the arena that night. She would be safer than she had ever been.

Filia held onto the rail on deck and waved to Amelia. Amelia waved back wishing her a pleasant trip.

Suddenly, someone else she knew was standing beside Filia. It was a young man. A young man Amelia knew very well.

"Filia," Amelia called to her, "Don't forget – life is wonderful."

_Yes, she ought to be safe_, Amelia thought as she walked away from the marina, and put Filia out of her mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Welcome to the Blue Rose," Lex said to her.

Filia jumped a little with surprise, "Oh Xellos, er, I mean Lex," she said with a yawn as though she was very tired.

"You still don't believe me that I am not your little friend?" he said with a very earnest smile.

She sighed.

"He must have done a real job on you. Was he your husband?"

Filia coloured. She didn't believe it was possible any more for her to blush. "No," she said.

"Well, then where are you going?"

"I'm going home to Val," she said.

"So, then is he your husband?"

"I'm not married. Lay off."

She looked at him seriously. He had to be Xellos. He was perfect. Xellos didn't have a mark on him. He was a mazoku, so he didn't age or get scars like other people. Even though she had seen Xellos basically cut in half, he always wore a mask of perfection. Who knew what he really looked like in the astral plane where he really lived? The self he presented to the world was spotless. Just like this person in front of her now. No one could remain that spotless – it was an illusion.

"I'm just kidding. You don't look like you're married. You don't look like you've ever had a lover," he said easily. "You look like you had so many other problems that you never had a chance for that sort of thing."

"Val is my son," she said strikingly.

"Really? It's too bad that you are so vicious. You look like you could be a really nice girl. Too bad it got spoilt for you," he said turning to walk away.

"Wait," she said. "To be fair, I am not his real mother, his mother is dead."

"Now that makes more sense," he said turning a little to face her.

"Are you sure you're not Xellos?"

"Why do you want me to be him so much? Are you really that far gone over him?"

"I told you before," she stormed, "that is exactly the kind of thing he would trick me into saying for his own amusement. Well, I'm not biting. What are you doing on board anyway? This isn't a passenger vessel."

"Actually," he said, "I'm the first mate and the captain asked me to show our passenger to her quarters. Come with me," he said. "You're going to love the Blue Rose."

She frowned. How was she going to keep from killing him? Why did he keep on denying himself?

"Do you know the legend surrounding a blue rose?" He asked her, walking swiftly across the deck.

"There is no such thing as a blue rose," she said.

"You're absolutely right. There is no such thing, but there is a legend that if there ever was one that whoever smelled it would forget everything, and start out fresh with no memories at all. They could be anyone, and suddenly become no one at all."

"What a beautiful story," she said with a look out to sea.

"Do you believe it?"

"No. Nothing would ever let me forget who I am," she said dryly, looking away from him.

"Do you want to forget?" he asked standing in front of a door suddenly leaning across her and bringing his face very close to hers. He was opening his eyes, studying her very carefully. Years ago, Filia wouldn't have been able to look into Xellos' eyes like that. His direct gaze was something she always regarded as very dangerous. His eyes were slitted, like an animal's. A lot had happened since she had last observed a mazoku's eyes and she found that she had the power to gaze right back with her ryzoku eyes.

"If I could forget everything, I would," she answered with a steady tongue.

He turned the knob and opened the door behind her not breaking eye contact. "This is your cabin. You are welcome to spend as much time on deck as you like. I'll see you later."

He walked away.

Who was he? All the arrows she spotted identified him as Xellos, but there was something about him that made her doubt it now. She watched him tightening ropes and follow the orders of the captain. She estimated that Xellos had never been the type to take orders from a mere human like that. Something was not adding up. He was smiling. He was doing his duty. He winked at her as he relayed orders from the captain. He seemed like a perfect employee. Even she would have hired him. He was a mazoku no matter what else he was. What mazoku behaved that honorably in their tasks?

She went into her cabin and shut the door. She hadn't had enough sleep. She never felt like she had enough sleep. They had only given her a hammock to sleep in, but that didn't matter. At least it was a place to sleep, and she was very tired. Too tired to worry any more about Lex or Xellos or anyone.


	4. Chapter Four Freedom Deep

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

**Chapter Four - ****Freedom Deep**

**A Song by INXS**

* * *

Italics – Song Lyrics 

Black – Any Narrative

* * *

Filia sat alone in the dining room on board the ship. Well, she wasn't really alone in the room. There were lots of sailors having dinner there as well, but none of them sat near her. She didn't mind being a little unpopular. The reason why they stayed away from her didn't bother her at all. Her fame was still following her, and the more stoic she looked, the more time she would have to herself to think. 

_Show me the way  
Give away  
The truth  
I'm looking for_

Xellos.

What was he like? She had to remember. She had been away from him so long; maybe she was just assuming that this young man was really Xellos when there was really no proof that he was whatever. He looked like him, but maybe that didn't mean very much in the mazoku world. They could generate any appearance they wanted to. Why not take on the traditional appearance of a more powerful mazoku?

She took a deep breath. Why would she be more likely to trust Lex if he wasn't Xellos? She had experience with Xellos. One would think that she would trust him before a strange monster she had never laid eyes on before; or perhaps not.

_I need a new way  
Out of here  
The door  
Is opening_

She had called Xellos a murderer many times. It wasn't fair of her. Oh, how hard she had been on him! He was a soldier in an army in a war when he destroyed that clan of dragons. Her own people had committed genocide out of jealousy. She could be hard on him for what he had done no longer. It was in the past and finished. She did not even have the power to honour him for his rank in the mazoku order of command. He must have been something pretty special to be Zelas' Priest and General.

_Freedom take me deeper  
Freedom take me deeper_

He was something pretty special. He was always calculating and scheming. He would weigh the odds and take on everyone. She had never seen him fail to achieve his objective. He always got what he wanted.

She would never have seen his good qualities if everything she thought she had to fight him with hadn't turned out to be a lie. She would have continued to believe that he was a filthy monster who did nothing but pervert and destroy everything decent. He had many good qualities.

_All the blue days  
Gone astray  
The clouds  
Are giving in_

She wished it had been him she met in the marketplace. Not that there wasn't something amazing about Lex, because there was. There was definitely something about Lex.

If Xellos had come to fight her . . . if he had made that effort to see what she was doing with her time and how she was improving, it would have meant so much to her. She was never sure if she was comfortable with his last impressions of her. She wanted him to see what she was like now. Even if it was just to show him that she was controlled enough to keep her tail out of sight.

_Freedom take me deeper  
Freedom take me deeper_

Lex seemed sincere, which was something Xellos could never even fake for her. She always felt like she saw straight through Xellos, even though she never knew what he was really after. She would almost believe that he really was friends with Lina and the others and then he would do something to show exactly what he was – a mazoku – and it scared her. She was too old to be scared of him now. She felt as though she had shed her skin of innocence, so now even the monster race held no terror for her.

Let him come.

She wanted him to come.

_I need a new way  
Out of here  
The door is opening_

She took a sip of her tea.

Lex – what about him?

She had spent some more time with Lex since she had been on board the ship. He was much more appealing than Xellos, regardless of their identical looks, and even appeared to want to cheer her up, unlike Xellos who wanted to torment those around him with sarcasm and little stinging insults. A mazoku who wanted those around him to be happy was unheard of, in fact, it was not possible. They feed on negative emotions.

_I'm losing my fear  
Suddenly  
The way  
Has come to me_

She needed to forget everything about the Xellos she knew. That was what she needed to do. It didn't matter if Xellos and Lex had once been the same person or whether they had never been. She would start fresh with whoever was in front of her. If she stuck by him and was his friend all of his secrets would open to her and she'd know all there was to know about him. Or perhaps, he would be a secretive as ever, but she wouldn't be alone, unless she was alone with him.

_Freedom take me deeper_


	5. Chapter Five Alien

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

**Chapter Five- Alien**

**A Song by Erasure**

* * *

Italics - Lyrics 

Black – Any Narrative

* * *

It was raining. It had begun raining about an hour ago. Filia had not left her cabin. She felt really lazy in her hammock. It was starting to get pretty stuffy. There was probably a storm on the way, but it wasn't bad yet. She kept thinking that she had to get up and get something to eat and something fresh to breathe before it got really bad. 

She rolled herself out of the hammock. Outside it was hot even though it was raining. The drops of water felt soft and warm; maybe she was being silly staying in her cabin. The sea stretched out before her and rolled in great gray waves, and the ship rocked. She put her hands on the railing to steady herself and laughed out loud.

Lex suddenly grabbed onto the railing beside her. Besides the ponytail, he had an indigo bandana across his forehead. There were droplets of clear water on his cheeks.

"Get ready," he said in a low voice.

The ship heaved twice as hard as before, and seemed to be thrown up in the air as a child would launch a kite. She held on tight, but it felt like her hands were about to break when they came to the tip of the arch. The force of it would have thrown her into the air with it, but Lex grabbed her arm and helped her pull herself back down.

_Cuts to the quick  
Pure emotion, a trip  
No word of a lie_

"What are you doing out of your cabin?" he asked her after the ship had regained some of its balance. "It's not safe."

"I see that now."

The wind was raging heavily, and the rain was coming harder. The sky was a dark clear colour as though the rain clouds had taken on all the qualities of smoky glass. The ship bowed low, a tall wave towering above them now, as though they stood at the foot of a fluid mountain, and it was going to come down.

The water was cold and hard as it buried the Blue Rose. It pulled at Filia's hair and pulled her limbs with such strength that she thought she might have to let go of the rail. She closed her eyes to the stinging, but she wouldn't let go. She would never let go.

As the ship came out from beneath the water, Filia realized that Lex had not let go of her arm. The wave hit him hard. His bandana was around his neck and his pony tail had fallen out. His hair hung exactly as the Priest's, but for the first time she didn't think of Xellos.

"Why were you here, just when I came out of my cabin?" she asked abruptly. "Didn't you have somewhere else to be? You're first mate."

Letting go of her, he put a finger to his lips and mouthed, "It's a secret."

_Pressed to your lips  
We collide, slowly twist  
Ardent and lithe_

Previous decision was powerful when it was used by Filia Ut Copt. Regardless of the purely Xellos gesture he had just preformed, she was going to believe him.

_Seeps into the ground  
Kisses the earth and I am found_

The ship lurched again, but this time it bounced like a rubber ball. The unexpected motion pulled at her fingers and she was torn from the railing. She was in the air now and would soon fall into the water, but her heart didn't even beat faster. She was in no danger at all. Golden Dragon that she was, all she needed to do was open her consciousness and take her true form, or even just allow her wings to unfurl.

"Filia!"

She heard someone calling her name. Her sight and her memory seemed to fade from her. In these mere seconds, before she hit the water, she was afraid for a moment that she would fall asleep. That her heart would just stop beating and her mind would just stop functioning. She needed to hit the water. She needed to wake up. She needed to have that moment of physical pain, even if it separated her from the ship, even if she got lost, even if she didn't see the violet haired mazoku for a long time.

They would meet again.

_Love's young dream could be alien  
Strange ways how we fly  
Tuning low like a radio  
Whispering goodbye_

Lex caught her. He didn't say anything, but his bear arms closed around her, not letting her hit the water. Then suddenly he was setting her down in her cabin.

_He teleported to save me_, she told herself. She sat down on the floor, and then laid on her back to look at him. He had his back to her and had his hand in his hair.

"Gomen," he said. "I didn't mean for you to see that."

"You mean your little trick?" she said. "Don't worry, you haven't betrayed yourself. I knew you were a mazoku."

"How could you know that?" he asked turning to her, and he seemed to come to a realization before her eyes. "Xellos is a mazoku," he concluded dryly. "How is it that you can keep such friends? You seem so pure, even though you're jaded. _Just so it seems - softly potent, serene - vacant and shy . . . You are everywhere . . . under my skin and in my hair_."

_Love's young dream could be alien  
Strange ways, how we fly  
Tuning low like a radio  
Whispering goodbye_

"Don't go," Filia said as he turned to leave. "Don't think that I hold it against you that you are a monster."

"Who wouldn't hold it against me that I am a monster?" he asked with a violent twist of his lips.

"The gods and monsters don't fight as they used to."

"There is no use for me to ask you to love me," he said back to her, missing the purpose of her comment. "I would be forever young whereas you will die so soon."

"Then you have no idea who you are talking to," she said. "Who would be acquainted well enough with a monster to call him by his name? To recognize him in the market place and not be afraid to approach him? Who?"

"The war of the Monster's Fall," he said. "Did you fight for the Gods?"

"I'm not such an old ryzoku," she said.

_Seeps into the ground  
Kisses the earth and I am found_

His eyes opened wide, with an expression totally foreign to Xellos' features.

"You're a dragon!" he said, obviously astonished. He turned his back to her. "You were in no danger just now then? And you were never in love with that fellow you think I look like – Xellos? You couldn't be. A dragon in love with a monster? Ha! Someone who serves the gods could never love one who served the demons. So, there was never any hope, either for him or for me."

_Love's young dream could be alien  
Strange ways, how we fly  
Tuning low like a radio  
Whispering goodbye_

"I did love Xellos," she said steadily.

He whipped his head around to look at her. "You didn't mean that just now?" he asked staring at her with sharp eyes.

"I meant it," she said, "but I would never want him to know that I used to feel that way. You have to understand that he and I have a very long history – of quarrelling. He saved my life. He's threatened to kill me. He never stopped using me. You cannot admit love to someone who will use you. At least I couldn't set myself up for that."

"Do you think I am like him?" Lex asked.

"I hope that you won't disappoint me."

_Love's young dream could be alien  
Strange ways, how we fly  
Tuning low like a radio  
Whispering goodbye_

"I have to go," he said. "The captain will be wondering where I am, and he needs me as this storm will not let up until we work our way out of it. I hope we are not too far off course," he said. "Sayonara," he whispered.

_Love's young dream could be alien  
Strange ways, how we fly  
Tuning low like a radio  
Whispering goodbye_

Lex opened the door to Filia's cabin. The captain had insisted he get some rest. He shouldn't be here. He knocked, but there was no answer, so he let himself in. A lamp was burning low in the corner. She was in the hammock. Her hair was in a ponytail and fanning out behind her. He was holding his hammock in his arms. He hooked it up as quietly as he could.

He was miserable tonight.

A servant of the gods must be able to lend peace to any creature – even a mazoku.

He laid down in his separate hammock. He looked across and saw warm colours in her cheeks.

_Love's young dream  
Could be serene  
So alien_


	6. Chapter Six Wait

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

**Chapter Six - Wait**

**A Song By Sarah McLachlan**

* * *

Italics – Song Lyrics

Black – Any Narrative

* * *

_Under a blackened sky  
Far beyond the glaring streetlights  
Sleeping on empty dreams  
The vultures lie in wait  
You lay down beside me then  
You were with me every waking hour_

_So close I could feel your breath_

He woke up. It vaguely registered in his mind that he was in a hammock. There was a woman nearby. He could smell her. This was bad. He brought himself up to a sitting position. It was dim in the room, but he could make out her gold hair, even though her back was to him. She was in another hammock a little bit away from him. At least he hadn't woken up in bed with a strange woman. That would have been very unpleasant. Her hair was what he had smelt – a distinctly feminine fragrance.

Where was he? He was dressed. What happened? It was wretched to wake up so often and have no idea what you had been doing the night before, and it was happening more and more. He didn't even know what day it was.

Who was the girl? He doubted it was anyone he knew. He swung himself out of the hammock and reached for his boots. He'd better at least check what she looked like before he left. He would hate to run into her on deck in five minutes and not recognize her even as the girl he had woken up beside. He ducked underneath her sleeping form.

Her cheeks ... the fan of her lashes ... the soft hair cascading off the edge ... he would know her anywhere.

It was Filia.

_When all we wanted was the dream  
To have and to hold that precious little thing  
Like every generation yields  
The new born hope unjaded by their years_

He cursed. What had he been doing? He had to get out of there.

He opened the door and stepped out onto the deck. He was on a boat. What was happening?

"Get a hold of yourself, Xellos," he said quietly to himself, putting his hand to a piece of fabric around his neck.

"Is that you Lex?" a burly sailor asked him, then seeming to recognize him, he went on, "The captain is looking for you. Where were you last night?"

Xellos didn't recognize the sailor. He didn't recognize the boat he was on, but it was better to play along than reveal that he was very confused, but why was he being called Lex?

"No problem. Where is he?"

"Over there," the sailor said, pointing to where Xellos could have easily seen him if he had turned his head thirty degrees.

"So ka," Xel said with a genki laugh, turning in that direction.

"Lex," the captain said, calling to him. "Where were you last night? I know I said for you to take a break, but I don't think I meant _that_ kind of break."

So, everyone on board knew he had spent the night in Filia's cabin. This was very bad.

"It's not like that," he said easily.

"It's okay," the captain said, compass in hand. "The storm blew us close to Saviena. See?"

Land was indeed in view.

"I'll really need your help as we are going to land today. Have you made up your mind as to whether or not you are going to stay for another journey? I'd really like it if you would make up your mind to stay. You're a cracker jack first mate."

He was first mate?

"No, I, uh, haven't made up my mind yet," he answered. This was so much worse than anything. He was being praised? He was never praised.

_Pressed up against the glass  
I found myself wanting sympathy  
But to be consumed again  
Oh I know would be the death of me_

So far the captain hadn't asked him to do anything that he didn't know how to do. He was lucky that he had done this sort of thing before. Through his work he kept one eye on Filia's cabin door. He had a fear. He feared that he was traveling with her and that she would be expecting him to go with her. He was trying to piece together what clues he had. They were in separate hammocks, so he wasn't her lover.

Filia's lover?

It wasn't possible.

  
_And there is a love that's inherently given  
A kind of blindness offered to appease  
And in that light of forbidden joy  
Oh I know I won't receive it_

He had gone to the white mage/black mage tournament with the expectation of taking on Filia, and she cast that summoning spell. It was the very devil of a spell, and it really hurt him. He reacted. Then they were disqualified.

It was meant to be a great joke that he had come to duel with her. He hadn't seen her in ages, and when he heard she was coming he was interested. It was natural. She was a mother now, and he was curious as to why she was coming to participate in something to test her skills in battle. He was very interested. He thought she was going to spend the rest of her life nursing Val and drinking tea. What happened to her to make her want to come to something like this, and leave her precious son behind?

When she stepped on the field he could hardly believe it was the same person. He had never seen her in pants, and her legs looked so long. It was obvious she had become much more experienced since he had last seen her. He was intrigued, and that was why he cast the Dragon Slave, to test her. He dared not cast anything larger, lest she couldn't take it.

He had not expected that summoning spell of hers. It was like she cracked his mind open. He had simply been careless, leaving himself open. He wasn't expecting a spell that would break a monster apart – he had just come for a visit.

_When all we wanted was the dream  
To have and to hold that precious little thing  
Like every generation yields  
The newborn hope unjaded by their years_

He had woken up with a fever the next morning.

He had woken up with a headache later that day holding a basket of fish.

He had woken up in a café not knowing how he got there.

He had woken up in a hammock beside Filia. She was beautiful. She was more beautiful than she had ever been. What was she doing sleeping in the same room with him? Didn't she hate him more than anything? How could he have worked his way that far into her life? He never believed it was possible. Not for him. Not for a filthy mazoku.

_You know if I leave you now  
It doesn't mean that I love you any less  
It's just the state I'm in  
I can't be good to anyone else like this_

But what was happening with him? He must not meet with her until he knew what was going on. He told himself he was an idiot. The quickest way to find out what was going on was to talk to Filia and ask her. Perhaps she already knew, but he found he couldn't face her. Not when he had to ask her what was wrong with him. He could never admit that something was wrong with him to Filia. It was just something he could not do.

When it came time for them to unload the cargo and Filia's door opened at last. Xellos watched her from the lookout tower. She had a bag of things with her, but she did not look around as though she were looking for someone. She thanked the captain for allowing her passage, and stepped off the ship without a backward glance.

He couldn't decipher why it was, but his chest felt oddly empty as she walked away.

_When all we wanted was the dream  
To have and to hold that precious little thing  
Like every generation yields  
The new born hope unjaded by their years..._

* * *

Author's Notes: I just want to thank my reviewers! I love reviews! Thanks for all your kind attention!


	7. Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

The forest was thick in this part of the new world. It was almost a jungle. Filia walked through it, knowing the placement of every twig, every leaf. She noticed a snake hanging down from a branch. It wouldn't bother her. The animals here knew who she was even if the humans did not. It wasn't very much further now.

Her house was at the end of this tiny lane she was walking. It was more like a watch tower than a house. It was very tall and thin compared to the buildings in Sayruun. She stopped and looked at it more carefully. It looked deserted, like no one had been inside it for weeks. It was entirely possible that was exactly what happened. She had often wondered if Val would go on one of his adventures in the woods and would just never come back.

She went inside. Everything was covered in dust. Had he really not come back?

She sat down on a chair. She had set out a tea set before she left, just so it would look like someone had done something special for her arrival when she did finally come home again, but the tea set was caked in dust. Someone had left a window open. Before she left, she explained to Val that she was going away. She had invited him to go with her, but he refused.

She looked at the tea set again. It seemed like the final fiber of a rope connected to her wrist, her last safeguard from falling was now gone.

Filia began to cry.

Should she go looking for him? Would she be able to find him? Maybe he was somewhere in the house asleep. She scrambled to her feet in search of him. The house was empty. She was empty.

She pulled her hair out of its pony tail.

She had to think about something else. Lex . . . Xellos . . . no, there was no hope for it. Her heart was going to break. Why should she try to keep herself together? He had not even come to say good-bye to her when she got off the Blue Rose.

The Blue Rose – she was supposed to forget everything, but instead of losing everything, she felt as though she had picked more up. She was carrying other things besides her grief about Val. She knew what it was. It was a new loneliness. She was alone for so long, and then she met up with her comrade – her peer. The only other creature she knew intimately in this world that had the ability to live as long as herself besides Val.

He had left.

She opened another window. Staring out over the tree tops. Where was her baby?

"Val!" she hollered out the window as loud as she could. "Val!" The birds fluttered and flew away from the branches they had been resting on. "Come home!"

Where was he?

Where was anyone?

She fell to her knees. There was only one thing left to do, and she really did not want to do it, but it had to be done. She needed to call in a little outside assistance, and there was only one person powerful enough to help her find an Ancient Dragon. She hated to ask him, but she had no choice if she wanted to find out what happened to Val, and she was in no state to wait to see if he would come home on his own. Her pride could be damned for all she cared.

"Those who sail the Astral Plain, reveal these shadows to me," she said, half choking herself with the words. "Please find Xellos-sama – I'd like to speak to him."

* * *

"You called my lady," Xellos said as he teleported in before her.

Filia looked at him. He was wearing his priest's robes and carrying his staff. His hair was shoulder length as before, and his mouth wore the familiar smile. It was as though nothing had changed for him in the past seven years. She didn't know why she had ever thought that Lex and Xellos were the same person. Lex was obviously a much younger mazoku. His body didn't house near the same power – Xellos could have murdered him with a flick of his wrist. She should have been easier on Lex, but it was too late now. She was never going to see him again.

However, now that she was facing the actual Xellos, it was important to play things cool, or at least not show how bad they really were.

"Hi Xel," Filia tried to say in a honey tone. "It's good to see you after so long."

"Is that so? Oh my, Filia. I'll bet you're wondering where I have been. Well actually . . ."

"Actually, I'm not interested in where you've been," she interrupted. "It's really none of my business. I just have a problem that I need your help with."

"What is it?" he asked, looking serious.

"I went on a trip these last few weeks to Sayruun. I just got home today actually, and well, Val is missing. I don't know where he is or where to look for him. He could be anywhere and I am very worried."

"And you can't find him the same way you found me because he's just a dragon now and cannot be located by those methods," Xellos said.

Filia watched him. He seemed to be thinking very hard.

"I'd love to help you Filia, but I sort of have a little problem myself," Xellos said, leaning a little on his staff.

"What? You wouldn't get anything out of it?" Obviously he hadn't been feeling anything like what she had been feeling, but she didn't see why he should seem so self fulfilled. The monster race was definitely not what it once was with only Dynast and Zelas doing anything.

"Oddly enough, that isn't exactly the problem," he said. "Okay Filia, I will do this for you – but I will need you to do something for me."

"What's that?"

"You'll have to tell me all about that little trip to Sayruun of yours. It sounds most interesting," he said opening his eyes. He had to do something to let her know she was making a deal with the devil.

_He wants me to tell him about Lex_, she thought. There wasn't much to tell. So, why not agree?

She nodded.

"Very good Filia-chan," he praised, as he faded from view.


	8. Chapter Eight Call of the Wild

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.  They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

**Chapter Eight - Call of the Wild**

**A Song by Roxette**

* * *

Italics – Song Lyrics

Black – Any Narrative

* * *

_I know her, and every notion I get from her I wear inside me.   
I know her, all of the broken leaves of love she leaves behind._

Four paws stampeded the earth. Xellos was no stranger in this forest. There was an incline in the woods here. He would find what she was looking for.

He howled.

One animal should be able to track another.

He thought about Filia, and he was more confused than ever. So, she hadn't recognized him as himself. He was starting to get a better idea about what happened. He wasn't exactly sure, but from what he could tell; she had met someone who looked exactly like him and somehow become such close friends with him as to allow him to spend the night resting in her cabin. It didn't make sense, but it made less sense that any part of him would have been able to accomplish that.

_Oh - don't you hide away from the rain.   
Oh - can you tell me the name of this game?   
I got to get thru to you._

What had he said? What had he done to make her want him near her like that? And why couldn't he do it now? He saw her there in his mind. She looked miserable, but he received no pleasure for it. That was unlike him.

He had to find Val. He took a deep breath – he was _that_ way.

_Behind the door, another wall, a lonely cry_

_A call of the wild.   
A dancing daze, an empty face, a crystal high_

_A call of the wild._

He stopped. He didn't need a rest. He needed to find out which way Val had gone. Val had wings. Xellos wished his target hadn't taken flight. It was harder to track animals with wings. He brought his long velvet ear to the ground – no, it was all right, Val was there – close; a hundred meters, perhaps two hundred. He was lucky the little scamp had not left the forest.

And Filia . . .

_And there is something that sweeps the dark, a lover's dart,   
The call of a broken heart.   
Wrapped in the night, behind these eyes, oh hear the cry,   
A call of the wild._

"Who are you?" a young dragon asked. He was crouched low to the ground, his wings spread. He had a spear in his hand, but he was not as fast as Xellos. The boy was still very young indeed. "You look like the priest/general of Zelas Metallium, wolf," the boy said.

"Very good," Xel smiled at the boy showing his fangs.

"Are you going to turn into a man now?"

"Not for your amusement," Xel answered. "Is that why you run away from Filia – you think you're so much smarter than her?"

"Leave my mother out of this Xellos!" the boy said sharply.

"She asked me to find you," Xel replied dangerously.

"I don't believe it. My mother commands the Lesser Beast?"

Xel laughed, "she asked me to do it as a favor. We are very old friends."

"So, you're going to force me to go home? I would be considered a man now in my tribe. It is unjust for you to force me Xellos."

"Sama," Xellos finished for him, prowling closer to the boy.

"I will not call you my master," the boy shouted.

Xellos lifted one of his front paws, displaying his claws in the moonlight for the boy. "You're so young," he said in a silky voice. "There aren't really very many dragons left you know, and you really are the last of your tribe. Would it really be wise of you to force my hand to commit genocide over such a small thing?"

"She wouldn't want you to kill me," he said, his voice a little less confident than before.

"Any more than she would want you to grow up without proper manners to those more powerful than you. That could be one of those things that lead the inexperienced into trouble later on down the line – wouldn't you say? Besides, you didn't even say good-bye to her," Xel said the last line with a touch more emotion than the rest. Who knew you had to force a dragon to do the right thing? As wise as they were. As foolish as they were.

_I know her and in my mind I dream of her, how she aches without me.   
I know her and every heart is a lonely hunter when she walks by._

She hugged Val very closely.

"Filia," Val said. "Not in front of the scary mazoku – please."

She let him go and stood up. "Thank you so much Xellos. I am really grateful."

"Sama," Val finished for her. "He likes being called Xellos-sama."

"So ka," she nodded.

"Such a clever boy Filia," Xellos said charmingly. "Now I believe we had an agreement."

"Yes," Filia said. "Just let me talk to Val for a few minutes alone, please."

"Of course."

Xellos watched her walk with Val into another room. The boy was not tall like his mother. He was too smart for how young he was. There were going to be problems if that boy was not properly taken care of. Perhaps Filia was not strong enough to govern him. History might repeat its' self if Val was not given proper nourishment and discipline. He'd better keep an eye on him.

Xellos took off his cloak. The house was really a mess. It desperately needed to be scrubbed. Xel would have done it himself if he was not afraid that he would suddenly fall into a daze. Instead, he simply took out a handkerchief and dusted off a chair before sitting down.

Filia seemed to be taking her time.

Finally she and Val did come out. She had been crying. There was a major disaster brewing in this house. Filia looked infinitely sad.

_Oh - can you read the hurt in my eyes?   
Oh - don't you leave without saying goodbye.   
I got to get thru to you._

"So, his name was Lex and he looked exactly like me?"

"Yes."

"You asked him if he was me I assume?"

Filia nodded. "He said he didn't know who you were or anything about you. Actually, he didn't like me very much for not believing that he was not you."

_Behind the door, another wall, a lonely cry_

_A call of the wild.   
A dancing daze, an empty face, a crystal high_

_A call of the wild._

"Indeed," Xellos said. "I think I understand. Thanks for explaining all that to me."

"Has he done something bad to you? Are you going to go after him?" she asked with large eyes.

"Can I spend the night here," he asked, testing her. He wanted to see if she would give him, Xellos, that same favour that she gave Lex. Would she let him stay the night?

"I have a guest bedroom on the second floor. I usually keep it locked up, so it should be ready for a guest as long as you don't mind that it will be a little stuffy. It should at least be cleaner than the rest of the house."

"I'm sure it will be fine. Will you show me where it is?" he asked lightly. "I have one more question Filia about Lex. What did you think of him?"

"He was wonderful," she said - and she smiled - the first smile he had seen her wear since he appeared.

_And there is something that sweeps the dark, a lover's dart,   
The call of a broken heart.   
Wrapped in the night, behind these eyes, oh hear the cry,   
A call of the wild._


	9. Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

Author's Notes: Hiya! Anyone who has been following this story knows that I abandoned it some time ago, kinda hoping (and advertising) that someone could finish it for me if they felt so inclined. Well, the offer is still open, but for some reason my obsessive-compulsive nature won't let me leave an unfinished novella in my wake. It was really bothering me that this story did not have a conclusive ending - so I'm gonna be working on that. Sorry to anyone who was following it that I behaved like such a jerk. I'll behave myself better in the future

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

The morning was bright and shiny. Things had not gone so badly with Val or Xellos, Filia considered. It was going to be a wonderful day. Filia got dressed and went down stairs to make breakfast. She was sure Xellos would want something to eat and Val would be there. There was really something to celebrate. She had people in her life again and she wasn't alone, not at all.

She put a kettle on her little wood oven as she went about her other tasks. When it whistled, she thought it was about time to go wake up Xellos and Val as breakfast would soon be ready. She went and knocked on their doors telling them to get up, and went back to the kitchen.

It wasn't long before she heard footsteps down the stairs.

"Good morning Xellos," she said to the sleepy eyed priest.

"Xellos? Filia – do I have to tell you a hundred times? My name is Lex."

Filia stopped dead in her tracks, and dropped the mixing bowl she was holding on the floor. "What did you just say?" she asked, not paying attention to the splattered batter on the floor.

"My name's not Xellos," he said pleasantly, picking up a dishcloth and kneeling on the floor to help her clean up the mess. "You seem like a pretty smart girl Filia, but the way you just keep on calling me Xellos is . . . well . . . sort of pathetic. Can you at least _try _to remember?"

"Didn't you just come out of the bedroom?" she asked frantically.

"Yeah," he said.

Filia got to her feet and ran to the bedroom she had put Xellos in the night before. The door was wide open and the inside deserted. The bed looked slept in, but there was no Xellos anywhere. What was going on?

Lex walked up behind her at this point and said, "Yep, I slept here last night. So?"

"Why did _you_ sleep here?" Filia asked. "Did you switch places with Xellos last night? Where did he go?"

Lex scoffed. "Are you sure this Xellos person is not just a figment of your imagination? I remember you walking me to this bedroom last night and telling me that this was where I could sleep as long as I stayed here. Don't you remember?"

"I did not take you to this bedroom last night. I took Xellos. This is getting ridiculous," she said, suddenly getting an idea. "Come with me into the living room and I'll invite Xellos back. I'll call him on the Astral Plane." She grabbed his hand and pulled him down the stairs and into the living room.

"What are you going to do?" he questioned.

She knelt down on the dusty carpet and then crossed her legs. "I'm just going to call him on the Astral Plane so that he'll come back and explain why you were in his bed instead of him – you'll meet him too, and everything will make sense. Got it?"

"Whatever," Lex said, as he crossed his legs too and sat in front of Filia.

"Those who sail the Astral Plain, reveal these shadows to me," she said, closing her eyes. "Please bring Xellos-san to visit me," she asked politely.

Then all of a sudden, Lex was shaking his head, and holding onto his temples. Filia thought for a moment that he was going to fall on the floor, when he unexpectedly straightened himself and looked at Filia. He looked around himself for a second, like his surroundings were new.

"Ah hell," he said and got up. "So, it finally happened in a place where someone had to see me."

"What happened?" Filia said, jumping after him, and not quite understanding what just happened. "Wait just a second – Xellos should be here right away."

"I'm right here Filia," Xellos said as he stood by the stove in the kitchen and poured himself a cup of tea. "You don't have coffee, do you?" he asked, taking a drink. "No – you wouldn't have coffee – only tea."

"What's happening? Why are you Lex or Lex you or . . . what's going on!" she bellowed.

"Try not to scream too much dear. You'll wake Val, and even though I'm not really the type to let sleeping dragons lie, I'd rather explain this to you without an audience."

"Well, explain faster," she said, taking the cup of tea he poured for her.

"Do you remember when you were in Sayruun and you dueled with someone whose face was concealed?"

"Of course. I thought it was you."

"It was me," Xellos said. "Do you also remember that charming little silencing spell you sent towards me?"

"Yes," she answered, wondering where this was going.

"Well . . ." Xellos said slowly. "I haven't exactly been myself since. I've been myself and this character you call Lex, and well, I don't know if there is anyone else hanging out inside my brain that I don't know about. It's a rare case . . ." he said even more slowly, like he didn't want to admit what he was about to say ". . . of insanity."

"I don't understand," Filia said, sitting down at her kitchen table.

"It's called a multiple personality disorder. I've seen it a couple of times among humans, but never with a mazoku. When I've had my wits about me – which honestly hasn't been very much time at all since I fought you – I have tried to figure out how it has been cured."

"So, Lex is you?" she asked.

"Filia, smarten up. Yes, Lex is me. Probably a much denied part of my psyche that I never paid much attention to, which is why I'm so worried as to what he does in my body when I'm not in it. I'm surprised you're not latching onto this concept much faster."

She huffed.

"I honestly wouldn't be explaining any of this to you if I hadn't been caught. I would never have admitted any of this to you except that now that you know what's wrong with me . . . I was hoping you'd help me get better," he said, not looking at Filia at all, but looking out the window.

"What can I do?"

"I'm not sure," Xellos said. "You'll just have to watch me, and take notes."

Filia considered this for a moment, wondering why she was so happy that Xellos was (in a round about indirect way) proposing that he stay with her. Maybe it was because he was at a disadvantage and actually _had _to ask for help. She could also use him. She could think of a hundred ways she could use him.

"Okay Xellos," she said cheerfully. "Will you help me clean?"

"Hai," he said dully.

"Will you help me take care of Val?"

He looked like he was expecting that one and answered vaguely, "Hai."

"Will you be like his daddy?" she asked.

His head shot around and he looked at her, "Who the hell do you think I am?"

"I'm sure Lex would do it!" she said with a flourish.

"Then let him do it," Xellos said nearly getting up. "Wait, would he really do it?"

"I'm sure he would. You see, Lex has a teeny crush on me," she giggled, and immediately, with lightning speed, she found herself pressed up against the wall with Xellos pinning both her shoulders.

"Listen to me Filia," he said, his eyes looking most vicious, and his incisors suddenly appearing very sharp and animal like. "I don't want him making love to you – in any sense of the words! Do you understand? Absolutely nothing! I don't care what he does to win you over; you are not to let him lay a finger on you. If anyone if going to touch you – it's not going to be me when I'm not myself. Understand?"

She nodded, and he calmly let her down.

"Sorry about that," he said uneasily as he walked to the window to look out. "I just don't like the idea of my body doing things without me in command."

"I understand," she said softly, walking up behind him and putting her hand reassuringly on his shoulder.

He didn't move away.


	10. Chapter Ten

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

Xellos sat on the peak of Filia's roof under the bright sun. He was taking a break from the monotonous job Filia had given him and Val of replacing all the shingles on the roof. When she asked him to help her clean the house he honestly thought she was talking about all the dirt and grime that caked everything, but her ideas were honestly more along the line of rebuilding the house. Not that he cared. She might force as much manual labour on him as she chose and he would be none the worse for it. He didn't get tired. In his mind, the advantages for staying outweighed the extreme boredom that inevitably came with whatever job she laid out for him.

Val suddenly put down his hammer as well and came over to sit next to Xellos. "Are you really the Lesser Beast?" he asked.

"Not at the moment. Apparently, I'm playing house with a couple of dragons," Xellos answered, unable to keep the sourness he felt at his situation out of his voice.

"You don't want to stay here either then? Why do you stay?" Val asked, folding his lanky frame together so that his knees touched his chin.

"Why do_ you_ stay?" Xellos asked, unwilling to discuss his problem with one of his problems – Val.

"I figure you'll hunt me down and rip me a new one if I run away again," Val said, with both rebellion and awe in his voice.

"Are you afraid?" Xellos asked, raising one of his eyebrows.

"A little," Val said, gulping.

"Good," Xellos said returning to his usual persona.

"It's just that last night I heard you talking to Filia in the living room. She called you 'Lex' like it was your name, so I thought maybe you weren't who you said you were."

"Lex, eh?" Xellos said slowly, wondering what excuse he could use on Val that wouldn't be as transparent as the windows they had cleaned yesterday. He remembered going to bed the night before, but he didn't have the usual blank spot in which he knew afterwards that Lex had been using his body. Lex must have gotten up after he went to bed, which was something he had never considered happening before. It was the first time since he made his deal with Filia that Lex had come out. "What were we talking about?" he asked at last.

"Why you are staying here," Val said hesitantly.

"Did you hear why I'm here then?"

Val shook his head. "Not really . . . Are you sick?"

"Did Filia say I was sick?"

"You know she did, and you kept on saying that you weren't," Val said. "Is that why you're staying with us?"

"I _might_ be sick," Xellos said slowly and evasively. Then he got up and went back to work. He didn't want to talk about this with Val anymore. He would have to rely on his luck that the boy wouldn't find out more.

Xellos found himself spinning in circles about what was to be done with Val. He didn't want anyone but Filia to know about his 'problem', and thus wanted her to send Val away until they found a way to cure him, but then, Val had the potential of being very dangerous to . . . well, everyone. That made Xellos want to keep him as close as possible so that he didn't turn into an enemy. Xellos found himself constantly perplexed on what to do.

In the end he decided to rely on Lady Luck, and hope that Lady Luck went about dressed as Filia these days.

* * *

Xellos sat alone in the half light of the bedroom that Filia had given him. Over the past week that he had been staying with her, he had been able to gather a small collection of books on the subject of mental illness. It had not been easy to find information on his specific ailment – either in their world or out of it. Most of the books talked about the possibility that most people who were thought to be possessed by demons were not actually, but were, in fact, another form of insane. The information was shaky at best, and a lot of it contradicted each other. Most of Xellos' reading was nothing more than a brutal waste of time, but he had to find something. 

It wasn't that he didn't like staying with Filia – that felt like one of the least of his worries. It was strange how much care she took over his comfort, even though she had once fought against him so viciously. She defended his secret when talking to Val as well, which meant a lot more to Xellos than he wanted to admit. He hated needing her.

Now when he thought about Filia, he could only seem to remember the way she looked lying in the hammock in the ship the night he had gone to bed as Lex and woken up as himself. She had gone to sleep with him close – trusted him enough to sleep with him there. Here he, Xellos, was put in a separate room and treated as a guest. It wasn't that she wasn't kind, she was very kind, but not . . . intimate. She had also said that Lex had a crush on her. How had his body been able to inspire those words – with any behaviour? It seemed impossible. Was that what she wanted? How had Lex brought her that close to him?

Among other things that he looked for when he read, he wanted to find out if there was a way for him to talk to Lex. He realized he wouldn't be able to beat the hell out of him, as he wished, but even to just hear his voice and find out even the smallest thing about him would be worth while to Xellos.

As he read though, he found no information about how to do such a thing. However, he soon found himself reading a documented case of a multiple personality disorder. The scientist watching the person described the different personalities involved – and there were more than two – and described how different they were. It was possible for the personalities to be extremely different. Maybe that was the case with him and Lex.

Soon Xellos had finished reading. That case had been very interesting. Apparently, that case had been solved by the most dominant of the personalities basically kicking the others out of the mind – so that only one remained. There was only one problem, as Xellos saw it. The personality that won out in the end had not been the original personality, but one of the sub-personalities that had emerged.

* * *

Author's Noties: Hiya! Plot exposition - it has to go somewhere. So, if you think I didn't go heavy enough on the X/F in this chapter - wait for the next one. I can't do the next chapter without this one. Cheers!  



	11. Chapter Eleven

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

Filia sat on her bed and looked out through the window at the evening waking. She had just come out of the bath and was combing through her hair that was still very wet. She had slipped her night gown over her head after she dried herself off – for some reason she couldn't find her housecoat. The gown was a shimmering affair of white silk that went to the floor. She would have put something more practical on, one of her other nightgowns, but the heat of the jungle was too much for cotton tonight.

She had spent the whole day with Xellos, and it had been a very exhausting day. It wasn't that she regretted her time being spent in that way. The tiny roof that hung over her well had suddenly collapsed from disrepair and the two of them spent the day fixing it. It was hard work, and even though Xellos had done all he could to shield her from the heavy labour; she found that she couldn't let him do everything. He was very gentleman like after his own fashion. He hadn't complained at all about any of the work she had coerced him into doing. Even so, her muscles hurt very much now, which was why she felt that she had to have a bath to relax herself.

Suddenly, she heard a faint tap at her bedroom door. Filia thought at once that it had to be Val – Xellos never came to her bedroom. "Come in," she called. "What is it?" she asked, not turning around.

"Don't move," the voice said gently, and it was not Val.

She kept still, but asked, "What are you doing in here Lex?" She would know the differences between Xellos' voice and Lex's anywhere.

"I came to take you out," he said. Before she knew what he had in mind, he had covered her eyes with a blindfold.

"Where are you planning on taking me?" she asked, alarm fringing her words.

"I noticed a very nice little spot over by the water that I'm sure you haven't visited before. It looks enchanting under the moon light, and the moon will just have risen by the time we get there if we leave now," he said.

"What about Val?" she asked.

"Aw, he's fine," Lex said reassuringly. "He's a big boy. Remember, you went to Sayruun, and left him here for weeks. He can take care of himself."

Filia found that she couldn't argue with his reasoning on that front and was annoyed with it. She would have preferred an excuse to get out of it, especially when he took her hand in his to guide her out of the room. She remembered her promise to Xellos and tried to move her hand away, but Lex held onto her tightly – like he didn't want to lose her.

"Wait," she protested. "I'm not comfortable."

"Why? What is it?" he asked, distressed at her uneasiness.

"Do I have to be blindfolded?"

"Of course," he said, and suddenly put his arms around her and teleported. When they landed, he said briefly, "Now you can take it off."

She put her fingers up to her eyes and removed the fabric covering them. When she opened her eyes – the view took her breath away. How was it that she had never seen this place before? He brought her to the top of a jungle overhanging that overlooked a waterfall that emptied onto a lake wide enough to swallow the moon. There were white flowers and fireflies around them in the trees – she could hardly stand for the beauty of it.

"Where did you find this place?" she asked in awe.

He smiled and turned her attention to what was behind them. He had set up a tiny table on the grass. There was a sweet little white table cloth with a delightful spread of food across it. There were strawberries and blueberries that shone magically in the moon light. And tall glasses that seemed full to the brim with stars.

"All this, for me?" Filia asked hesitantly.

"Of course it's all for you," he said leading her towards the table and angling her chair so she could look at the waterfall. "I brought you here on purpose," he paused, "to seduce you."

She gulped, "Not really Lex?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Or something like that." His hair was pulled back into a ponytail as usual and his bangs were covering his eyes again. He pulled apart a little bit of bread that was also sitting on the table and buttered it, then suddenly took her plate from in front of her and gave her half. "I really want you to have a good time. You're always so troubled."

She looked across at him – he looked so . . . inviting. "How am I going to stop from falling in love with you?" she asked suddenly, feeling it necessary to discuss out loud what she was really thinking, and not caring what she sounded like.

"Then fall in love with me," he said softly, reaching across the table for her hand. The light accentuated the ripple of his muscles in his forearm and upper arm, and suddenly she had a hard time fighting for control.

"Because, I can't," she said, turning away.

"Because of Xellos?" he questioned, leaning back and looking away in disgust.

"Hai, because of Xellos."

"Because you were in love with him once, and cannot seem to fall completely out of love with him." He paused, "You tell me that he and I share the same body which is why I can remember nothing of my past life before awaking in Sayruun and why occasionally I can't remember what has happened for days at a time. I wonder . . . if this is true – what is your relationship with him when he's around? Does he love you back?"

"He doesn't love me," she admitted, forcing herself to sound indifferent about it.

"Why can't you just forget him?" Lex pressed. "If he doesn't care for you then why can't you accept my feelings for you and allow me to be your lover. He doesn't care. I care."

She looked across the table at him. His eyes were fully open and gazing at her persuasively, but they bore none of the marks of the dangerous mazoku which she knew Xellos was. She felt so trapped. How could she turn him down when he talked to her like that? She had been so lonely for so long . . .

"I promised him that I wouldn't let you become my lover," she admitted, putting her chin into her hands and refusing to look at him.

"I see," he said, getting up from the table and moving away from her. He went and stood with his back to her seemingly regarding the view. One of his hands rested on his hip while the other lay at his side. Then he put his hand to his head like he had a headache.

Filia looked away – relieved. A headache like that signified a change of character. If Xellos was going to come out now – that would be perfect timing. Then she could be spared from the awkwardness of conversation with Lex. Things were always more comfortable with Xellos.

"Xellos," she said brightly, when he stopped holding his head. "Would you like something to eat?"

He turned around suddenly and said, "I'm not Xellos."

"Lex?" she asked, hoping that she had not offended him too much by the mistake.

"Don't you know who you're having dinner with?" he asked, his tone rasping.

Filia regarded his eyes – not soft purple eyes, and not mysterious violet eyes – but eyes that she had never seen before – a murderer's eyes. Suddenly, she felt impressed to get away from the table, and to get away from him. She knew she was in danger. She got up and said as lightly as she could, "I think I dropped something on the way in. I'll just run and see if I can find it." He wouldn't know that Lex had teleported her there.

She got up and had only just turned around when he was abruptly standing right in front of her. Their noses were almost touching.

"You don't have to go anywhere," he said reaching for the straps on her nightgown and violently pulling one of them off her shoulder.

She screamed, and without warning she found herself on her back with the mazoku's fingers climbing rapidly up her thigh. She screamed again and found herself stuck across the face.

"Don't make so much noise bitch! Don't you know you spoil the mood when you scream like that?"

RIPPP!

That was the fabric of her nightgown as she tried to move away. True panic was racing through her. What was she going to do? What had happened? She had to get Xellos back to save her from what was about to happen.

"Those who sail the Astral Plane reveal these shadows to me – XELLOS!" she hollered at the top of her lungs.

With that the stranger dropped his head in pain. Xellos shook his head and looked at Filia and the area surrounding them. Then he seemed to become even more aware of what was going on and noticed that one of his hands was up Filia's dress and his other hand was holding hers – their fingers entwined.

Tears were flowing down her cheeks; she was so pleased to see him. "Oh Xel," she said, putting her free arm around his back. "I'm so happy you came."

He took his hands from her and leaned back. "What happened?"

"Oh Xel – there's another one. There's not just the two of you – there's another one. He . . . he . . . he attacked me. I was so afraid. Thank-you so much for answering my summons!" she said.

"All right," Xellos said. "That explains part of it. That explains your tear stained face, and your torn dress, and the terrible bruise that will no doubt be on your cheek tomorrow morning. What it doesn't explain is why you are here, with blueberries in the moonlight, wearing practically nothing." He paused, in anger. "I thought I made my feelings on this subject quite clear Filia, or didn't I? I'm very sorry that I'm so messed up that part of me attacked you, but I have to wonder if he would have been able to resist seeing you wearing that."

"This isn't what you think," she answered in what almost amounted to a frenzy.

"Is that it Filia? Is Lex the man of your dreams? Do you wish now that you had not made that promise with me, or are you ignoring it completely and going against my wishes anyway? Never mind, don't answer that. I don't care. Let him touch you and kiss you if you dare – I guess you'll never know when it might turn out to be me holding you – or worse, whoever it was who attacked you."

"Xel . . ."

"I don't want to hear it," he said roughly. "Let's just go back to the house."

* * *

Author's Notes: This was the chapter I really wanted to release last time, but couldn't because I had to do that little bit of plot exposition - which is why I'm wasting no time at all in releasing this next chapter. This chapter was inspired by Depeche Mode "Shine" - which is an ulitmately hot song - so check it out. My reviewers have been amazing - thank you so much for taking the time. You never fail to inspire me.  



	12. Chapter Twelve I Feel You

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve - I Feel You**

**A song by Schiller mit Heppner**

**

* * *

**

Lyrics – Centered Italics

Narrative – Black

* * *

Xellos was in Filia's attic now – cleaning. Ah well, it least it really was dusty up there. He knew he wouldn't be satisfied until he watched Filia brush the dust off her nose at least a hundred times – and she was getting to about ninety-nine – so he knew he was nearing ecstasy. As stupid as it was, he really enjoyed having to watch such a fastidious person suffer so much. It also explained why she had him help in the attic as opposed to replacing the wall-to-wall carpet in the front hall, or . . . say - building her another house next door. Considering all her requests for renovation, he was expecting that one to come any day now. 

Her manners towards him since that night he had awakened with his hand up her thigh had been, well, different. He hadn't even bothered to look at her after they reached the house. He couldn't stand to. He thought as he retired that night that perhaps it would be a mistake for him to stay any longer, but when he got up in the morning, she seemed determined to put the incident behind them. She wore an unconcerned expression and told him all the details of the third personality that had emerged as she thought of them, excluding anything he didn't want to hear about Lex. This pleased Xellos, as he didn't want to talk about bloody Lex. So, she won a measure of his respect back again.

Finally, it seemed she had wiped the dust off her nose for the one hundred and tenth time. She sneezed violently and stood up, stamped her foot on the floor boards angrily and recovering herself, stated with the grace of a queen that she was going to go 'freshen up'.

Xellos watched her back as she walked away. Her ponytail swung with the sway of her hips as she exited the room – he was distracted.

He looked away and returned to his work. As he bent down his dusty hair brushed across his face and clung to the wetness of his lips. Strange, he hadn't realized that he had been licking them. It would be easy to brush the dust from his hair, but as there was so much work left to do, he simply decided to tie his hair back in a pony tail until they were finished.

Just as he brought his arms down from the task – Filia came in the room.

"Oh, it's you Lex," she said, with less enthusiasm than Xellos believed sparkly Filia capable of.

At first he just stared at her, not sure how to act so that he wouldn't break the illusion. If she believed he was Lex he would be able to find out . . . everything. He stood still for a moment trying to figure out how to act next.

"I have to tell you that the little date you took me on didn't work out very well," she said candidly.

"Why is that?" he asked cautiously.

Filia put a fatigued hand to her forehead before answering – she looked very tired. She hadn't looked that tired ten minutes ago. "Sorry," she said, avoiding his eyes. "I think it would be better if you didn't try to have a relationship with me. I expect you don't know this, but I was nearly raped by a third personality after you left. I have never been so afraid in my life. I'm not sure what triggered that new personality to come out, but I don't want to do anything that might cause it again. There is also my promise to Xellos."

"And there's no way I could get you to break your promise to Xellos, not is there?" he asked, hoping wildly that he said it exactly the way Lex would.

She shook her head. "You never seem to forget that moment on the ship when I confessed to you that I had fallen in love with him. Please don't forget it now," she said and turned suddenly and left the room.

Xellos looked at the floor, and then slowly reached up and removed the ponytail from his hair.

_I feel you,  
In every stone,  
In every leaf of every tree,  
That you ever might have grown._

Xellos stood by the window in the attic – he heard Filia open her bedroom door and shut it behind her.

So, she had gone to the one place in the house that he never went. He had given himself that rule because he didn't want to force himself on her in any way. He wanted her feelings to come from her heart, and if he intruded on her space, that wouldn't be her desires speaking, but his.

_I feel you,  
In every thing,  
In every river that might flow,  
In every seed you might have sown._

But she had just stated that those feelings _did_ come from her heart.

_I feel you._

He left the attic, with the intention of following her.

_I feel you,  
In every vein,  
In every beating of my heart,  
Each breath I take._

The air was thick outside her bedroom door. There was obviously a spell - some kind of holy magic - enchanting the room, but Xellos could not identify it, nor could he identify its purpose. It seemed older than himself.

Did she not want him to follow her? He stepped away from the door, and walked down the hallway to his own room – then found himself changing his mind and heading back towards Filia. Soon he was pacing back and forth between the two rooms, unsure as to what he should do.

It felt like forever before his resolve finally broke and he found himself opening Filia's door. He may have expected an angst-ridden dragon to throw something at him. Instead he found that she was not awake, but lying peacefully across her bed with the bedclothes ruffled around her.

_I feel you, anyway,  
In every tear that I might shed,  
In every word I've never said._

In an instant, he found himself in the room and crouched quietly by the foot of her bed – trying desperately to focus on what it was about her that made him feel so strangely. Why did he want her to care for him? Why did he want to make her feel as though he was the best thing she had ever seen?

He had been curious about her from the start – and after everything that happened between the two of them – he found that the idea of hands, that were not his, touching her made him bloodthirsty. He wanted her all to himself.

Filia suddenly stirred in her sleep, brushing her nose with her hand and making a small feline sound. Then she seemed to mumble in her sleep, "Xellos."

_I feel you._

Without realizing what he had done, Xellos found himself on Filia's bed. He propped himself up on one of his elbows and was soon touching her cheek and asking her what she needed him for.

Her breath came quickly, and caressed his jaw line as she said his name again.

His mouth came down on hers.

_I feel you,  
In every vein,  
In every beating of my heart,  
In every breath I'll ever take._

_

* * *

_

Val was on his way back to the tower after an expedition in the forest. Filia wouldn't be pleased if she knew how often he would slip away to go take part in the things he was truly interested in. She still wanted him close to home. Well, he couldn't stay home all the time or he would go crazy. He found it shameful that she was able to do so. Why should a dragon be so . . . human? He had often broached her on the topic, but it seemed to Val that her upbringing was hopeless. However, as long as she didn't know how long he was gone she couldn't complain.

It was true that he did not want Xellos coming after him, but Xellos never seemed to notice whether he was there or not. After a while Val got the idea that Xellos would never bother coming out into the woods to find him and haul him back unless Filia gave the word. So, all that was necessary was for Filia not to give the word, and that was a relatively simple thing to accomplish. Val would merely place a ward on her bedroom that caused a sleep to come upon her when she entered the room. Then, once she was inside, the holy magic would take care of the rest. The complete nature of the spell was not something he fully understood, but he knew that it could cause Filia no real harm – she was a dragon after all. He would remove the spell when he returned.

Val curled up his wings and alighted outside Filia's bedroom window. No problem at all – he would . . . wait! Was that Xellos lying beside her?

Val's horrified eyes opened. Xellos was a mazoku! How had he even managed to come in the room?

* * *

_I feel you, anyway,  
In every tear that I might shed,  
In every word I've never said._

Xellos tried to wake himself up, but it seemed impossible. After kissing Filia he seemed to lose all strength and found himself resting his head on her chest. That was nice. He could feel the beating of her heart and the breath exchange from her lungs. Her skin was soft under his touch and well . . . perfect.

_I feel you._

Oh, if only he could transform into Lex right at this very second so that he could see what their relationship was really like.

_I feel you._

_

* * *

_

Author's Notes: Okay, I admit, I'm on a little bit of a Schiller fix right now, but since German electronica is exceptionally cool, I don't plan on apologizing. Anyone, who's following 'Shadow Magic - Zelgadis and Lina' will know what I'm talking about. Thanks again to all my reviewers! You make doing this worth while.  



	13. Chapter Thirteen

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Shoko Yoshinaka.

* * *

Author's Notes: Hiya! I know it's been a long time since I updated. Sorry about that! I've honestly been fiddling with this chapter for a long time, trying to get it perfect, and I think I got it this time, but please review to let me know whether or not I got it right. Thanks!

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

Val perched himself on the windowsill of Filia's bedroom. What was he going to do? Xellos looked comfortable enough, but from what Val knew about the spell enchanting the room, there was no way a mazoku could walk away completely unharmed. Val shook his head mournfully, and decided to remove the enchantment, even though he wasn't sure what the effect was going to be.

There was one thing he was sure of – if Xellos did not wake up right away it would give Val the chance he was looking for. He had to exert his independence and make Filia understand that he was not her child and that he was never coming back.

Val said the words to remove the holy spell and slowly let himself into the room to see what happened. He may or may not have the chance to talk to Filia without Xellos interrupting.

* * *

Filia stirred slightly, and then her eyelids fluttered into awareness. She looked up at Val, with a look of amazement on her face. "What are you doing in here?" she asked.

Val looked meaningfully at the other side of her bed.

Filia turned her head and saw Xellos – sound asleep – and suddenly she sprung out of bed. "What's going on?" she demanded of Val noisily.

"What about you?" Val asked coyly. "Why have you got Xellos-sama in your bedroom with you?"

"I . . . uh . . . I don't know," she stammered, her cheeks flushed. "He must have . . ."

"Save it," Val said coolly. "I know you weren't fooling around with him. We need to try to wake him up," Val said, going over to the bed and shaking him.

"Don't be so rough with him!" Filia complained when she saw Val winding up to punch him.

Val turned around and looked at Filia. "Why do you always insist on babying everyone? He's a mazoku. I'm sure he can take it," Val said strongly. "I know you've been trying to hide his real condition from me, but this guy – Xellos – is really messed up isn't he? That's why he doesn't leave, even though he realizes quite clearly that hiding out with the two of us isn't the best place in the world for him to be. What exactly is wrong with him? But maybe you just think that everyone ought to be handled the same no matter what their situation is. You always treat _me_ like I need your protection. You act all strong, but if something goes wrong you practically come unglued. If you think Xellos-sama needs you to coddle him – you're dead wrong!"

"I don't think he needs me to coddle him!" Filia answered back quickly, but she still wasn't feeling like herself. She still felt sleepy, but not so sleepy that she couldn't defend what she believed. Filia never felt too tired to defend what she believed in. "You're still a child Val, so I treat you . . .

Val interrupted her, "Just like you can't seem to let go of the idea that I am your son. I am _not_ your son. I am no one's son!"

At his words she seemed to fall back until she came to the wall, which she leaned against uneasily. Filia tried to keep her balance. These arguments with Val were not unusual. Before she went to Sayruun for the tournament they were the order of the day. Things had been different since Xellos came, but now that it appeared that Xellos was not there to defend her - Val was back at his previous argument – except that he seemed angrier than before. "But Val . . ." she started to say weakly.

"Why have you been keeping me here?" Val shouted, interrupting her again. "Xellos isn't going to wake up and stop us from having this conversation. I'm positive of that. Do you know what? I'm not even sure if he'll ever wake up, and we need to have this conversation Filia," Val said approaching her with a serious look in his eyes. "I don't even understand why you care whether I stay or go," he started out, laying into her. "I'm a dragon and I don't want to live like this – like a human! A human Filia! Why do you even own a tea set? Why do you even own anything? It's unnatural," he hollered, getting more and more heated in his argument.

"It's how I was brought up," she wailed, suddenly feeling very cornered. "I was lonely Val, and there was no one there for me, except your egg. Everything I believed in was dashed to pieces in front of me. I don't even know if I would have been able to go on if it hadn't been to look forward to your rebirth. Can't you understand?" she asked desperately.

"So, you're just thinking about yourself. What I want doesn't matter at all to you then, does it? I refuse – I repeat – refuse, to stay here any longer. You are not my mother! I would have lived with, or without, your help!" Val bellowed, just as an unseen fist made contact with his jaw. Val staggered and fell a little bit away from the bed.

The mazoku pulled himself up, so he was standing his full height. "Don't you dare talk to Filia like that," the figure said darkly. "Don't you dare throw her efforts for you away just because you think you're all grown up. She deserves your loyalty."

Filia stared. She hadn't even seen Xellos get up out of the bed, but her lower lip was trembling and she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself from crying.

"Filia," the figure said advancing towards the shaking dragon-girl, who was now weeping gently into her hands. "Don't cry. Please don't cry. Please just let him go, and I'll stay with you. I'll stay with you forever. I'll be here with you – if you'll take me . . ."

"Oh, Xellos," she said, throwing her arms around him.

He took her up gratefully into his arms and stroked her hair. "Hmm . . . Xellos," he said, repeating her slowly. "Is that my name?"

Suddenly, Filia pulled back and looked at him with very wide eyes. "Oh no! What's happened to you? You don't know who you are now?"

He smiled at her pleasantly, and touched the back of his neck absently. "I guess you're right. I don't have any idea who I am, but I know who you are. It's easy – because I love you," he said simply.

Filia found herself crying piteously into Xellos' lap. What were the two of them going to do now? Filia felt as though she had been bent backwards repeatedly by everything that had happened. She had been hurt that Xellos hadn't been in love with her, she was hurt having to refuse Lex when he was _so_ close to the real thing, and she'd been hurt by the constant changes in his nature, so that she almost couldn't remember who the person she loved was. And now . . . she had to deal with Val. She didn't feel up to it on top of everything else.

Maybe it would be best to just let go.

Xellos just held her and whispered things in her ear that she could not concentrate on enough to hear.

She tried hard to focus. It would be a hard thing for her to give up Val; for her to let him go. Letting him go had been the thing she had been most afraid of for years. She couldn't think of enduring life without her child . . . her child. Yet she knew that Val was right about some things. He had never accepted her love for him. His feelings for her had been of a different nature since the time he realized that his ideas of how a dragon should be contrasted so differently with the way she, Filia, was. She was just so afraid of being alone.

Filia brought her head up and looked at Xellos, or Lex, or whoever the heck he was. Looking into his clear eyes, she saw that perhaps what she needed was not to be a mother forever – she had never been a mother to begin with. Looking into his eyes, seeing the confidence and power that existed there, it was hard to believe that she had ever thought that he was not the man she could not live without. Maybe it didn't matter who he was. Maybe they still had a better chance of finding happiness together than she and Val had ever had.

"Okay Val," she said slowly, "You can go." But when she looked up to see his expression, she saw that Val had already gone. She nodded her head resignedly, and tightened her arms around Xellos.


	14. Chapter Fourteen Endless

Disclaimer: I don't own Slayer, and I really don't own these Iris lyrics.

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen - Endless**

**A Song by Iris**

**

* * *

**

Lyrics – Centered Italics

Narrative – Black

* * *

Filia sat back in one of the comfortable rockers in her living room. The seasons were changing and the rainy season was coming on strong. The rain came hard just now, pounding against the window panes, but Filia knew it would let up a little in a minute or two. She sat with her feet tucked under her and holding a cup of tea.

It was always when she did things like this that she couldn't escape thinking about Val. He had always despised her tradition of drinking tea. It was the first thing he began complaining about when his rebellion began years ago. Val had been gone for two weeks and she found that she didn't miss him as much as she thought she was going to when he left home for the last time. She knew it was because Xellos was with her. He was a very strong companion, and impossible to ignore – no matter what his personality.

Filia was learning all kinds of things about Xellos that she had never dreamed possible – like what he was like when there was no mazoku left in him. At least she thought there was no mazoku left in him. When he woke up in her bed room two weeks before with no memories, she thought that perhaps yet another personality had emerged, but that didn't seem to be the case. The old Xellos hadn't come back, neither had Lex or that other demon she had met only that one night. She really expected one of them to make an appearance after some time had passed, but no one came.

The new Xellos was very different. His personality was like the old Xellos, but not like the old Xellos, and like Lex, but not like Lex. He walked about the tower like a man in a dream, but not a dream Filia would have enjoyed having. He had none of Xellos or Lex's memories, but seemed to remember their feelings. He would come up behind Filia as she washed her dishes and put his arms around her waist and whisper in her ear how much he cared for her. When he did things like that, he seemed like Lex. Yet his eyes looked like Xellos' when he spoke of things besides love. She almost always felt helpless during these moments, because when he exposed to her how his mind worked, she would have to force herself to remember that he was a demon. It had been hard for her to admit to herself that Val was far cleverer than herself, but Xellos seemed like a genius when he revealed how he thought. Often, she wouldn't even be able to follow his reasoning. She would only respond to his questions if she had to. Sometimes it seemed better to stay quiet rather than admit that she had no idea what he was talking about. She would argue with him sometimes; their views were different often enough. She suspected their views would be different more often than she knew, if only she understood what he was talking about. Xellos seemed to enjoy himself when they disagreed, and argued. Sometimes she would get so heated that she would draw a weapon, and he would prove to be as experienced as the old Xellos in combat. These fights seemed to attract him to her more than their mere arguing, and when they were finished he would leave her alone looking intensely satisfied.

In truth, regardless of what faults she might have (or maybe because of them) he worshipped her.

Just now, Filia looked up from her musings and saw Xellos standing in the door frame.

"You look very content," he observed, with one hand on his hip.

"And you look very troubled," she said, seeing his dark eyes and taunt stance. "Is something the matter?" But Filia knew that he looked like this all the time – ever since he lost all of his previous memories. She knew it disturbed him, if it was possible for anything to disturb him.

"It's nothing," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

_Lately when I go outside  
The skies cry that the worst is over  
Is this the place we are supposed to be?  
Something is reaching out to me  
Should I be walking back or forward?  
Is the wait enough to make you go down on your knees?_

This was the answer Filia usually received from him whenever she asked this question. She had always thought that it was his lost memories haunting him, but this time, it seemed like perhaps it was something more.

"What have you been doing?" she asked.

"Oh," he said with a sleepy smile. "I was just putting up the lattice work by the back gate. Remember? You mentioned at breakfast that it needed to be done."

"Isn't it raining?"

"You said it needed to be done, so I was took care of it."

"But not in the rain," she said, putting down her cup of tea and going to put her arms around his waist. "You didn't have to do that."

"What does it matter what I do? You know the rain doesn't really bother me, don't you?"

_Maybe, we'll be alright  
In a long run that seems like heaven  
Like hearing silence far away  
And lifting high  
I know the pressure is on  
In a race for the life of endless love  
If it seems too much  
Remember  
All these things are endless_

Filia twisted a lock of her hair between her fingers. She knew that his mazoku body didn't allow for the same sort of discomfort she would have experienced if she had stayed out all day in the rain, but she tried to forget it. She always tried to ignore the fact that Xellos was indeed a mazoku, and that there would be consequences to his presence in her home.

Consequences like feeling like her home was not entirely wholesome – that something was wrong - broken. He didn't bring a good spirit with him. Honestly, having Xellos look down at her with his piercing eyes felt like a ghost was staring through her – seeing something else entirely.

_Midnight has been calling me  
With a feeling that could be deadly  
I can love the fall 'cause that's a part of me_

"What have you been thinking about, my love?" Xellos said, taking a book from the shelf and moving to sit on the arm of her chair. He leafed through it absently. "Tell me."

"I was just wondering how far away you keep yourself from me," she said quietly.

_Drifting in several different worlds  
With the stars colliding all around you  
I can feel the distance to a past that's on its way_

"How different you are from me," Filia continued softly.

He smiled casually, and snapped the book shut. "You know that the differences between us go far beyond male and female, into the realms of light and dark – love and hate. We'll never feel the same. If we were ever going to have a life together, it would be this way. You weren't naïve enough to think it would be different, were you?"

"I don't know," she said, looking up at him, hoping she would be able to understand some of the feelings behind his words.

"Don't frown like that, my dear. It doesn't look good on you."

"So, I should be like you and smile when I'm not happy?" she said, turning away from him and feeling discouraged.

"We'll never be the same person. That's what I've been trying to explain to you," he paused, seeming to look for the right words. "Do you know what happens when I pull you in my arms? You fit perfectly! It's amazing that we come together so flawlessly . . . at least I find it amazing, because I don't feel like it should be possible. The problem is that you want our minds and our hearts to fit together like that too, but isn't possible. When we touch – we come together – that's as close to real intimacy as we're probably likely to achieve. I'm not going to become a dragon, and if you were to go mazoku – there's no way we could be together."

Panic rose up in Filia's heart. "That doesn't mean you are going to leave, does it?"

"Of course not," he said pulling her nearer. "That doesn't mean that what we have isn't precious. It just means that I think you're undervaluing what we do have – our differences. If I can raise hell – you'd better be able to call down heaven."

She stared at him.

"It's our way of being together," he said.

_Maybe, we'll be alright  
In a long run that seems like heaven  
Like hearing silence far away  
And lifting high_

_I know the pressure is on  
In a race for the life of endless love  
If it seems too much  
Remember  
All these things are endless_

Filia felt that she broke no promise as Xellos kissed her. After all, it was Xellos she was kissing, and loving, and feeling needed by.

And he said they would be together.

_Remember_

_All these things are endless_

**The End **

**

* * *

**

Author's Notes: Anyone who knows me, knows this was not my favourite project. I've worked this hard on it only for the people who wanted to read it and for the people who kindly reviewed (thankyouthankyouthankyou). I also look back on all different parts of this fic with dissatisfaction. I wish I had been able to do a better job on it for you, but my heart just wasn't in it. So, if anyone who read this actually enjoyed it, I'd encourage them to go read some of my other (better) work that my heart really is in. I know I'm putting in a shameless plug here for my other work, but I really want feedback. If I didn't, I wouldn't do this. Anyway, a kind thank-you to anyone who read. I really love the community here on - you guys RULE! 


End file.
